female, 22
5'4
hw - 126
lw - 99
cw - 110
As much as I hate myself for falling so far off track, I’m proud that I was able to get back on (finally). In a strange way it feels good to have something to work towards again. Even though I know I’m a lot further behind then I was a month ago, I like waking up and feeling like I’ve accomplished something, as small as it may be.
I fear I have destroyed my relationship with food for the rest of my life.
I’ve added some pictures of myself. I don’t know whether to say it’s to track my progress….or to track my decline. I know I’m becoming unhealthy, but I also know I’m no where close to being happy with my weight. Although I’m beginning to think I never will be.
I told myself I would never get to this place. But I think it’s time to admit I’m here. I thought I could lose weight without having it effect who I am inside. I would be the one girl that wouldn’t get wrapped up in weight loss, or let it control me. I would just restrict/fast/look at thinspo until I had lost the weight I wanted and then I would be free from it all. A perfect version of myself. I would love what I saw in the mirror. I would be happy in my skin, hell, I would wear a bikini everywhere.
As much as it disgusts me to admit, I used to look down on girls with eating disorders. How conceited of you to care only about your looks. How selfish of you to put your health and life on the line when other people are dying of real diseases. Do you really think anyone is attracted to a body like that?
I guess it’s time for me to look at myself with the same judgement. I have become that girl. I have never been diagnosed with an eating disorder, I may not be 80lbs or have all of my bones on display. But the emotions are there. The self-hatred is there. And I can feel myself being sucked into this world, this sickness, more and more each day. I have allowed the scale to dictate my life. It tells me when I can eat, and more often when I cannot. It tells me when I can go out, or when I am too fat to be seen in public. When did I become afraid of an inanimate object? I feel like I’m being pulled into a black hole. I don’t know how to claw my way out, and I’m not sure I want to try.
I am not free. I am more confined than I have ever been. I do not love what I see in the mirror. My reflection becomes more and more hideous every day. I am not a perfect version of myself. I don’t recognize or like the person I’ve become.
I can’t even look at a bikini.
